Your Child, My Movie.

As the lights started to dim in the movie theater, I heard the sounds of a baby close to the front row. “Shit! Who brought a baby to Captain America?” I thought to myself. Needless to say, I’m one of those childless moviegoers who hate it when people bring their babies to the movies. It baffles me. Yes, there’s a chance, albeit a small one, that your baby is really chill or might fall asleep for the entire movie. In most cases, the baby makes noise as babies are prone to you. The people around you are annoyed, you are not comfortable and you’ll probably end up leaving the movie for a bit if s/he starts crying. I’d like to think when I am a proud father, I’ll be willing to forego my desire to see movies when they hit the theaters. Sure, they have those Mommy Theater Days1 but with all those babies, that has to be a nightmare. I like to enjoy my movies. There has to be a better place for me and my hypothetical child than a dark room with a loud movie with other ticking emotional time bombs that I have no control over.

Fortunately, I never heard that baby again. I wish I could say the same about the kid sitting two seats over from me.

About 15 minutes into the movie, I heard the woman sitting next to me talking to her child, “Sit still!” I looked over and saw a little blonde child who looked like he did not want to be there. I would guess that he was 6 to 8 years old. If I was that old, you couldn’t keep me from seeing Captain America so I’m not mad he was there. However, this child was not movie-ready. Over the next hour, this litle boy, while whining:

  • Tried to sit on his father’s lap
  • Ended up sitting on his mother’s lap (next to me)
  • Kicked my leg while he was squirming on his mother’s lap
  • Got scared by the Red Skull and curled up in a ball saying, ‘I don’t want to watch this movie anymore”

Eventually (and thankfully), the mother escorted her son out of the theater leaving the father alone. Since he stayed until The Avengers teaser after the credits, he was in no rush to rejoin his family.

After this incident, I told Cindy my plan. If we have children and they want to go to a movie that I want to see (this won’t apply to kids movies), they have to prove to me they can sit still for two and a half hours. No questions. No complaining. Just sit on the couch for the length of movie without any interruptions. Once they can do that then they can accompany me to The Avengers 3: The Infinity Gauntlet2.

File this under Things I Say Now And Will Regret Writing For I Have Children”.

1 Has anyone been to these? What are they like? I really want to know.
2 Just a prediction.

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