Don’t Cross The Streams

Body Count: 49 (+13!)

Sorry this is late but there was nothing to talk about aside from Jack setting the single season kill record.

I’ll make this quick so we can forget this season ever happened.

Jack was right, everyone was wrong.

Jack killed 19 people with one clip.

Doyle’s blind

Chloe’s pregnant

Bill Buchanan, channeling Tony Almeida, goes from not being sure he can fly a helicopter to landing on an oil rig on the sea.

Bill and Karen Hayes are unemployed

Dragonslayer is still a snarky dick.

Josh proves he’s Jack’s son by getting the drop on Papa Bauer and shooting him

Jack lets Papa Bauer blow up with the chip on the oil rig

Jack ambushes Heller and gets his balls back

Jack says goodbye to Audrey.

Jack contemplates his future (or suicide).

Silent clock for the death of a popular show.

The End

Body Count: 36 (+6)

For all the shit I talked about Jack’s kills this season, he’s on course to break Season Four record of 44 kills. Fingers crossed.

Big Trouble In Little CTU
So the Chinese grab Josh and leave to meet up with Cheng. Jack and Nadia come up with a plane to overtake their captors. While they are whispering, Chloe comes up to them like a high schooler saying “Hey, what are you guys talking about?” Chloe really misses her alone time with Jack. With a well-placed headbutt, Jack sets off the attack. Morris tries to choke one of the captors from behind, Nadia busts out some nifty punches and Jack continues this season’s penchant for creative kills by choking out head Chinese merc with his gun strap. Doyle and the rest of CTU show up in time to save Nadia from sharing Milo’s fate. Jack wants to run after Josh. Nadia reminds him that he’s still under arrest. He ignores her. She accepts that. No one bothers to clean up Milo’s body. Division shows up to make CTU look bad AGAIN. Blah Blah Blah

Russian Cocktail
Well, Mike Bishop, Russian spy, is no commercial break lover like President Logan last season as we rejoin this Dragonslayer and Secret Service team in the van waiting for Bishop and Aide Slore to finish up which leads to the funniest line of the season,”Aaaaand finally we’re done!” Mark doesn’t fall for the bait and the Aide tries to beat up the spy. Guess how that turned out? Anyway, Dragonslayer and team save her from being choked to death and force the spy to send the e-mails. Doesn’t matter because Russkie Prez was having his spy monitored and knew the e-mails were fake (Question: Why aren’t the Russkies out looking for Cheng if this chip is so fucking important). Presidnt Suvarov gives VP ODB two hours to secure the chip and provide proof or else: WAR! Then the VP sums up the absurdity of this entire season in one line: “We’re about to go to war over a piece of circuitry.” Indeed.

Chinese Take Out
So Doyle “leads” a team with Jack to recover Josh. “Lead” is in quotes because Jack does all the hard work. He kills his way to Cheng and saves Josh who keeps getting himself into Kim-like trouble. Cheng gets away but now has nothing to bargain with to get the chip from Papa Bauer (Question: How did Cheng even find Papa Bauer? Did he look him up in the Yellow Pages?) So Papa Bauer calls the Vice President (apparently on 24, it’s not so hard to get someone in the White House on the phone). He offers to give them the chip in exchange for Josh. VP ODB agrees and Doyle snatches Josh from Bauer and flies off in a helicopter while an entire team of CTU agents holds back Jack. Good, NOW Jack has a reason to kill Doyle.

Bauer Moments to Remember:

• Jack choking out head Chinese merc with his own gunstrap
• During Jack’s rescue of Josh, Jack does this amazing slide and shoot with his chicken legs.

Body Count: 30 (+5)

Even when Jack doesn’t go looking for trouble, trouble goes looking for Jack

Political Espinoge – The Skinemax Edition:
Let’s get the stupid (or stupider) part out of the way. Dragonslayer and ODB get VP Aide Slore to call her snitch of a lover and tell him that they got the component back so that he can tell the Chinese. Then she’s supposed to go over there and leave him alone with her PDA so he can go through it. So with Dragonslayer and some men in a van outside, Aide Slore tried to execute the plan but fails because snitch just wants to get laid and isn’t letting her out of his sight. It was a comedy of error. So now they are probably having sex with Dragonslayer watching in the van after requesting for some privacy.

Assault at CTU (Part 4):
Audrey and Heller are gone (Thank God). Jack is still under arrest. Chloe decides that Marilyn needs to know all this information and see Jack so that she can hover over this dead relationship carcass like a vulture. Meanwhile, Chloe and Morris and Nadia and Milo are sorting out their love lives with Silver Spoons is doing the cliched “We’re in the wrong place” thing in his hunt for Cheng.

Now this is how easy it is to infiltrate CTU. It wasn’t even Cheng initial plan to break into CTU. This is something he put together (with outside help but still) in a little over an hour.

The Chinese mercenaries break in and start shooting. They ask who’s in charge. Nadia freezes and Milo is like, “I’m in charge here”. BAM! Bullet in the forehead. R.I.P. Milo. You died like you lived: trying to get laid. The security guard opens Jack cell before he gets shot. Jack takes his gun and killing time. The last thing you want to give Jack Bauer is home court advantage. You think Cheng might have warned them that Bauer was in the building. Jack saves Marilyn and Josh (side note: he continues to prove he’s Bauer’s son because he hasn’t slept this entire day) and they realize the Chinese are after Josh. Jack helps Josh escape but him and Marilyn get captured as a result. Now, why the Chinese don’t put a bullet in Jack’s head right now is beyond me. He is sitting on the ground staring at them like a rabid dog. The head merc gets Josh to come back by threatening to kill Marilyn. I was hoping that Josh’s pants would get caught on something and he would be too late to save her. Oh well. Then we realize that the Chinese were obtaining Josh for Papa Bauer(!) who is fixing the broken chip in exchange for Josh, the kid who he threatened to kill 8 hours ago or so.

Body Count: 25 (0)

A mole, relationship problems during a crisis, conflict between CTU and Division, Jack beating up CTU guards, just another hour in CTU land…

White House Ho
Show surprise, there’s a leak and it’s in Lisa Miller’s drawers. Apparently, VP ODB isn’t the only person she’s been sleeping with it. Far be it from me to judge her promiscuous ways but syhe just happens to be boning a guy who’s linking intel to the Russian which allows them to find out about Cheng getting away with the chip. Little do they know, the chip is broken and now Cheng is looking for someone to fix it. Wait, isn’t this how the day started? Morris better not go outside for a smoke break. Anyway, VP ODB tells the Dragonslayer his sob story of being a widower and his feelings for the traitorous slore. Boo hoo! Dragonslayer comes up with a plan to get Lisa to tell her booty call they found the chip so World War III won’t have to start.

CTU Days of our Lives
After Nadia denied Morris of his transfer due to hurt feelings, he dumps Chloe with some now-trademark face touching. He leaves her crying and now she appears to be missing (Chinese?). Division sends a psychologist to deal with catatonic Audrey which Jack is being detained in another room. The doc, who probably has degrees and experience in this sort of thing, tells them that they are going to give her some drugs to try as get much information as possible, possibly killing her. I don’t see a problem with this. Jack, who only has a degree in killing people with limited resources, thinks he can cure Audrey just by being Jack Bauer. Doyle in attempt to make the viewers like him sides with Jack and sets him loose on CTU and Division staff like a pit bull in a kindergarten class. He kidnaps Audrey, locks her in a room and eventually she says one word which helps give them a hint to where the Chinese might be.

Heller An Ending
Out of nowhere, Secretary of Defense (still?) Heller is at Audrey’s bedside. Before he gets her out of there, he talks to Jack and tells her to stay away from his daughters, blaming Jack for her state and telling him that everything he touches dies. If that’s true, Jack must have touched one too many writers this season.

Body Count: 25 (+2)

Look like nobody is getting any tonight…

…except Vice President Psycho who has transformed into VP Ol’ Dirty Bastard with his creepy line to his assistant Lisa, “Call the media, tell them the acting president’s a dirty old man.” Gross. Lisa is running home to get her ho bag. Who wants to bet that won’t run smoothly.

Karen Hayes Isn’t Getting Any…
Because Buchanan was responsible for releasing Fayed when he was in custody before he was anybody, Karen was forced to fire him to protect President Vegetable. It was genuinely sad because Bill has had the longest tenure of any CTU boss and Jack has even had the respect to never pull his gun on him. Which leads to…

Milo Isn’t Getting Any…
Milo, who has been an employee of the government for at least seven years, got passed over (actually, not even considered) to be acting director of CTU for Nadia, who if memory serves correctly was a) under arrest and b) had her access limited due to her Muslim descent. Maybe is Milo spent more time focusing on his career and not trying to hook up with his co-workers, he might be somewhere in life. Tony waited until he was acting director to hit on Michelle. Speaking of CTU…

Chloe Isn’t Getting Any…
It was good to see the old Chloe come out during her tiff with Morris. “How about don’t arm nuclear bombs for terrorists?” As Kelso on That 70’s Show would have said…

Jack Isn’t Getting Any…
After Jack escapes Doyle, he changes location to a place that CTU can’t track him and that he can safely blow himself and Cheng up with the chip. Everything is going according to plan. Jack gets Audrey and sends her up the road (but not before doing that creepy face touching thing he’s been doing all season) and he’s about to blow the place sky high and who fucks it up…

…that’s right, Silver Spoons a.k.a. O’Doyle’s, the non-alcoholic Bauer engages the Chinese which allows them to get away with the chip. Jack’s under arrest but lo and behold, Audrey is batship crazy and is a couple of cats away from this…

Apparently, Audrey can’t withstand a 1/10th of the torture Bauer can. Who’s surprised by that.

No Bauer Moments To Remember

Body count: 23

Jack is rogue and all is right with the world.

How the hell did the Chinese drop Jack Bauer off in Hour one and return with Audrey in Hour 17? Was she on the same plane as Jack? That’s the only thing that makes sense. Anyway, considering all that he has put Jack through since Day 4 (forcing him to fake his death, kidnapping and torturing him for two years and kidnapping Audrey), it is safe to say that Cheng Zhi is Jack’s true nemesis. Anyway, Jack’s probably going to kill him like all his nemeses.

I own you, Mister Bauer

On to the show, Jack tries to steal the component for Chang with the help of Chloe (Shock surprise). It’s almost laughable how easy it for Jack to convince Chloe to commit treason. unfortunately for Chloe, Morris, who’s computer she used, is actually as smart as she is and figured it out pretty quickly forcing her to confess to Buchanon. Jack gets the part after using a Jedi Mind Trick on the two soldiers guarding the nukes (who takes someone WORD that they have a Presidential order to tamper with nukes?) but Silver Spoons stops him and he’s put under arrest.

Jack asks to speak to the President who, let me remind you, is a Palmer so you know how this goes. Jack verbally beats Baby Palmer into submission (Mr. President, you OWE me!”) to going along with his plan to destroy the chip before the Chinese can use it, even if it means blowing himself up in the process.

Now that the nukes are gone, the White House staff returns to the Oval Office. After Dragonslayer tells Baby Palmer about the attempted perjury, President Palmer asks for Vice President Psycho’s resignation which he refuses. Then Baby Palmer with his new balls grown via shots of adrenaline, pretty much blackmails him into resigning which he’s about to do after a private, creepy moment with his assistant Lisa. I half expected them to have sex on the couch so he could leave with a good memory. Of course, as the VP watches with resignation letter in hand, Baby Palmer assures the nation that the threat has passed and then like Robocop breaking one of his prime directive, he shorts out and collapses.

Guess who’s President now?

His first order is of business: canceling Jack’s stupid mission. I know from our perspective this seems mean but you know what, the Psycho is right! This si a stupid mission. What if Jack shows up and they put a bullet in his head an take the part off his corpse? Anyway, Buchanon tries to secretly tell Doyle to turn the car around so they can subdue Jack but Jack pulls a pistol on him. He lets Doyle out the car and drives off to save Audrey. That’s right, Jack Bauer has gone ROGUE (again)

Bauer Moments to Remember:

• Bauer telling Doyle after he pulled the gun on him that I killed Curtis this morning from standing in my way, don’t think I won’t shoot you.

Body Count: 23 (+7!)

Silver Spoons summed it up best: “Damn, Jack!”

President Balls
Well, it seems the coma did Baby Palmer (or as Dave Barry refers to him, President Gary Payton) good. His nuke to Fakistan was a bluff to get them to give him some information and what do you know, they JUST SO HAPPEN discovered a general in their Fakistan who was supporting Fayed. Even Dragonslayer had to bow to Baby Palmer’s wisdom although I don’t know why BP didn’t just say, “Don’t worry. It’s a bluff.” He just wanted to fuck with him. He won’t be able to enjoy it long because he’s dying but doesn’t want anyone to know. He’s probably trying to get VP Psycho to resign first so that when he does keel over and die, someone else will be President. I just hope the Speaker of the House isn’t Al Swearengen.

CTU=Boring
Please, somebody blow up CTU. Milo has gone from hero to sexual harasser in eight hours. How times have changed. What is his problem? Did he want Nadia to be like, “Are you hurt, Silver Spoons? Good I hope you die!” Again, where is Chloe? By the way, while I enjoyed CTU’s ruse with Fayed and the fake rescue attempt, I have to ask, does CTU have a stable of Muslim improv actors ready to go at the drop of a dime? That plan came together a little to fast/

Time for some Jack-tion!

It was as if David Fury (writer for last night) and the producers remembered what it is people have come to expect from 24 and Jack Bauer: Absurd heroism. Silver Spoons will never be on Jack’s level. At this point, he’s not even at one-hand Chase’s level. Anyway, I don’t know what happened to turn Jack from “Stun” to “Kill” but it was what we have been waiting for since the nuke went off in hour four and he shot Curtis. From riding under a sanitation truck like a stagecoach in a cowboy movie ( and using one hand to make a cell phone call!) to that first kill where he swept the guards legs and broke his neck like he was opening a jar of pickles, you knew it was on. After his quick killing spree, my joy was quickly destroyed by a phone call from the Chinese and AUDREY! She’s like Bauer’s kryptonite. How did the Chinese know he was “done”? A bigger question, why did Fayed throw his gun at Jack like it was a 50’s episode of Superman?

Dangling

• With seven hours left, here’s a couple of plot threads that will probably be forgotten and unresolved:
• Where is Jack’s father?
• Who was behind Baby Palmer’s assassination attempt?
• Will Baby Palmer ever find out that the Dragonslayer and VP Psycho framed his assassination attempt on Al-Assad?
• Is former President Logan dead?
• Is Josh Bauer Jack’s son?

Bauer Moments To Remember:

Body Count: 16 (+2)

The worst day in all our lives continues…

Featuring Special Guest Star Kiefer Sutherland
I kid. Jack was in this episode more than the past three episodes and he even got to use his gun. Can someone please explain to me a) how they conveniently had an ax around to cut of Gredenko’s arm and/or b) what Gredenko’s game plan was after they cut his arm off? He should have been passed out from shock if not dead right away. Did he just want to die on a beach bleeding to death like he did? Is that why he turned Fayed over to a bunch of American bar flies as opposed to Jack Bauer? We’ll never know.

General Hospital a.k.a. Passions a.k.a. CTU
Where was Chloe? I don’t care about Milo who apparently so busy sexually harassing Nadia that he allowed hackers to infiltrate CTU and frame Nadia. He so isn’t getting any. Luckily for him, Silver Spoons covered it up just…because. Since we’ve been rehashing season two, can these please blow up CTU again?

The HNIC
I don’t even know how to explain this bit. First, Baby Palmer went from being in a coma to being suited up in less than 10 minutes thanks to a shot of adrenaline. Then the VP challenges his presidency under the 25th amendment which apparently states any black President named Palmer can be removed from office for being a pussy. The vote ends in a 7-7 ties which like count outs in wrestling means the titles stays with Palmer but lo and behold, VP says he never officially recognized Karen returning so he says her vote doesn’t count. The Dragonslayer says it’s going to the Supreme Court. That creepy blond from Invasion offers to perjure herself so that the VP can win his case but the Dragonslayer has the room bugged which is about the 3rd crime he’s committed today. Anyway, he convinces (forces) the VP to drop his case and Baby Palmer is President again. So how does he celebrate by launching the nuke the VP was going to launch ANYWAY! Come again?

Bauer Moments To Remember

• “Show me your head.” We get a glimpse into the killing process of Jack Bauer.
• After Fayed yells to one of the bar patrons, “I hope he’s dead!” in reference to one of the the guys in shot in the bar, Jack gives him a swift kick in the face

Body count: 14

I think there was a gas leak in the writer’s room this year.

Before I get into my recap, let me go on record that this is the worst season of 24 and regret that I chose this season to blog about. I tried to defend this season as long as I could but we are past the halfway mark and the episodes seem to be getting more and more unwatchable and it doesn’t feel like we are building towards anything. Anyway, I’m praying that they turn this season around but I think we have crossed the point of no return.

Jack, Brian Krakow and Timmy! Save The Day

Are we serious here? Apparently years after Brian Krakow was rejected by Angela on My So-Called Life, he turned to a life of selling out America to Russian terrorists with the help of his autistic brother who doesn’t like red foods (Seriously, Who the fuck came up with that one?). Anyway, Krakow gets himself shot by Jack and another CTU agent who again missed his “taking prisoners” training. Jack then gets this autistic guy to trust him by telling him he’s a cop (a cop who just shot your brother in front of you). Then he gets Krakow to get his autistic brother to help trap Gredenko. I almost wish he got shot so Jack would have that on his conscious too. The best part is when Jack tells Brady (the autistic guy) through the com link in his ear to a) pretend you can’t hear me and b) duck when I tell you to because the actor is so engrossed in his role he decides that Brady would spend too much time grappling with A to do B. Also, I thought Jack had broken ribs? He ran across the street and shot that Russian pretty quickly. And who knew CTU had tranquilizers? I just thought they shot everyone and hoped they didn’t die before getting the information they needed. Anyway, they got Gredenko and guess what? He wants a deal to help them catch Fayed.

One CTU Life To Live
So Nadia wasn’t a mole. She now transfers from the list to CTU moles to the list of people accused of being moles at CTU. Silver Spoons to exonerate her from another friend, Johnson, who he helped out in “Denver” (every episode featuring Silver Spoons has had a mention to Denver and it only gets more annoying) but that friend tries to screw him over with Milo. Silver Spoons threatens Johnson who will probably be the victim of some friendly fire by season’s end. I’m sorry, Silver Spoons is not threatening. Anyway, Milo tries to mend bridges with Nadia so he still has a chance to sleep with her. She tries to reject him and he awkwardly grabs the back of her hair violently (I’m sure they were going for passionate), pauses for a second and kisses her THEN apologizes for thinking she was guilty. I’m sorry, Milo and Nadia, but you are no Tony Almeida and Michelle Dressler.

Coma? What Coma?
So Daniels is intent on launching a nuclear weapon at the unnamed Middle East county that Fayed is from. So Karen Hayes conspires with Sandra Palmer (she’s back1 Regina, fire your agent) to force Baby Palmer out of his coma which could lead to permanent brain damage so he could stop a nuclear attack right now. so what if he woke up, stopped the launch, then started drooling uncontrollably and made Daniels President for good? Well, it didn’t come to that because in ten minutes they were able to wake up Wayne, get him up to speed on the situation and stop the attack. He was more decisive coming out of the coma than he was before he was almost blown up. So next week begins another Palmer tradition: being called unfit by your Vice President.

Bauer Moments To Remember: None