My boss came to my desk and asked me if I wanted any Girl Scout cookies as I am usually the first to order. I told her only two boxes this time (as I have already polished off four boxes of Peanut Butter Sandwich cookies this year). She laughed noting that she knows how this story is going to end. She’s right. I do go through stages when it comes to Girl Scout Cookies
Planning: When I get my order of cookies (usually three boxes), I make a plan in my mind. “Ok, we’ll leave two boxes here and bring one box home.” The I’ll take the first bite. For the record, I haven’t brought home a box of Girl Scout cookies in years but I ALWAYS intend to.
Embarrassment: When I finish the first sleeve of cookies, I can’t help but get worried. I never realize how fast I’m flying through them. Depending on the time of day, this stage lasts 10-30 minutes. The worst is when I get my order right before lunch.
Resistance: The first sleeve is done and I refuse to open the second sleeve. I know what will happen if I get started on the second sleeve. The damn will burst. I’ll start eating them like a machine whose sole purpose in life was to eliminate Girl Scout Cookies in a 2 foot radius. Depending on the time of day, this stage lasts 10-30 minutes
Gluttony: Self-explanatory. I don’t care anymore. I’m eating cookies at a rate of 3 per minute. If someone walks by my desk and asks for one, I look at them like they just asked Gollum to hand over One Ring.
Fiend: I’ve finished all my cookies in maybe two, three days tops. At some point, I go to the person who I ordered from and ask, “Did anyone not pick up/pay for their Do-Si-Dos?” I ALWAYS do this and don’t realize it.
You know how you have this thing in your mind you want to do like write a book or learn a new language but you never tell anyone? That way, if you don’t do it, no one will hold you accountable or judge you.
Well, if I don’t do this, please judge me and make me feel bad about it until I do.
I’m moving to Los Angeles.
No, I don’t have a job waiting for me.
No, I don’t know where I’m going to live.
No, I don’t have a real plan.
Yes, I love New York and still think it is the greatest city in the world.
But, this is happening next year when my lease ends (barring a major catastrophe).
The first step of doing something is saying you’re going to do it.
I don’t know if it’s been the snow, my general boredom or something I haven’t been able to identify but I’ve been contemplating finally leaving New York.
If I did leave, the only place I’d want to go is Los Angeles for a variety of reasons (already have friends out there, weather, etc.).
Don’t get me wrong. I LOVE New York. No matter where I ended up, I would still say New York is the greatest place in the world but lately that isn’t enough. I’m bored. I’ve lived in here my entire life (even went to New York University) and think some change would do me good. When I used to talk shit to my non-New York friends, I would cite how nothing ever closes and if I woke up at 1 AM and still wanted to go out, I could. The thing is I’m not going to do that. When I go out now, I’m most likely getting before what would be closing time everywhere else.
Then again, I’d miss my friends and family not to mention my sports teams (The thought of not being able to see the Yankees regularly actually weighed heavily on my mind as I was debating this) but moving might be fun. It also might be a terrible decision but at least it would be interesting.
We’ll see.
(Don’t worry, given my financial situation and lease, it would take me at least a year to safely move)
12. From junior year of high school to junior year of college, I was a semi-serious watcher of Days of Our Lives.
The summer between junior and senior year, my parents went away on vacation. I don’t remember how the conversation started or what led to this but I spent a week sleeping over my ex-girlfriend #1’s house (It’s not as scandalous as it sounds). So one day, Ex-1 either went out or was doing something in the kitchen and her mother was watching Days of Our Lives. I sat there quietly at first but there was just crazy shit going on so I started asking questions. Over the course of the week, she gave me the whole download on John Black, Marlena, The Dimeras, the Bo/Hope/Billie love triangle. I became obsessed and watched Days of our Lives for the entire summer. When my mom wasn’t looking, I’d read her Soap Opera Digest. It was sad.
Then senior year, I overheard Eva, my best friend, talking about Days of our Lives and I jumped right in. From that point on, it was our bond. We talked about it all the time in high school and then in college when my class schedule allowed me to be home between 1 and 2 PM to catch it.
As soap operas have a tendency to do, it got a little crazy. Actually, now that I’m thinking about it, the same things that drove me away from Days of our Lives then are the same things that intrigue me about Lost. So by senior year of NYU, I stopped following it altogether.
Years later, I was home sick from work and Days of our Lives and was like, “Wait, why are all the kids like 20 years old now?”
If you would like me to elaborate on one of my facts, leave a comment or e-mail me. I’ll only do it if I think there’s enough of a story to tell about it.
42. I have, however, been punched twice in the face and a number of times in the body, kicked in the face and hit with a shovel.
The two times I got punched were nothing really. Both times, it was someone younger than me. Both times, it was around an argument during sports. Both times, it didn’t hurt and I even smiled after the fact which only feeded the neighborhood talk that something was wrong with me.
The most memorable punch to the body was in 8th grade. I don’t remember the all the details because it was very long ago. Anyway, there was this kid Michael (tall, geeky, awkward) who was in my science class. We were all split up into groups working on something and my friend says, “Hey, look at Michael.” Michael was clearly playing with himself IN THE MIDDLE OF CLASS NEXT TO HIS STUDY PARTNER WHO WAS OBLIVIOUS (Over the pants but still). Now, to us, this was about the funniest thing we had ever seen so we started telling everyone in class to watch him. So everyone in class was watching him go (he was in the front and we were all sitting in pairs behind him) stifling our laughter until he turns around, face completely red and we all bust out laughing.
Last week, I was contemplating on when – between ZogSports football on the weekends, 30 plus hours of television a week, 10-20 comic books a week and hanging out with my friends – was I going to find time to play and beat all these video games that were collecting dust in my room and to read the stack of books piling up on my bedside table.
Then it occurred to me, where would I fit a girlfriend in all that?
So we’re currently watching the wedding DVDs. You get MAJOR points for being on the dancefloor for pretty much the entire night. You’re practically persian!
Obviously, I don’t expect a person to display ALL these qualities but maybe 15% would be nice. 99% would mean that person is pretty much exactly like me which, while it sounds great in theory, is a bad idea. I already have me. If you are 100%, you know who you are and I’m sure we can work it out.
So I wouldn’t mind is she…
…is a nice person overall
…can be an asshole and say the occasional snarky remark behind people’s back
…is into comic books or at least open to the possibility to being into comic books
…plays video games or at least does not frown upon people who do
…also finds the level of pandering in most romantic comedies pathetic
…is a fan of a sports team or three, especially the New York Yankees, New York Giants and New York Knicks
…is NOT a fan of the Boston Red Sox or Boston Celtics
