Handicapping oneself

So I was thinking on the train (one of my last LIRR rides home for awhile) about my pros and cons…what I bring to the relationship table and what I don’t (don”t ask me why…half the weird shit I write I think of on the train…oh no…is my productivity going to slip now?). Anyway, here’s what I came up with intially. There will be modesty and egotism spread throughout.


  • I am employed
  • I do have a college degree (NYU)
  • Smart, witty guy
  • Not fat
  • Reads books
  • Great memory (birthdays, anniversaries, “firsts”)
  • Can speak intelligently on certain topics
  • No longer lives with parents
  • Emotionally available
  • Very perceptive regarding women’s double speak
  • Very friendly (once comfortable)
  • Well-liked by other people’s mothers
  • Sign: Cancer (not the momma’s boy type)
  • Likes a wide variety of music and movies


  • I am not doing what I want to be doing with my life
  • May not actually know what I want to do with my life
  • Has a psychology degree
  • Not necessarily “booksmart”, more like Cliff Claven from Cheers-smart; actually more like MTV Remote Control-smart
  • Extremely argumentative; do not like to lose argument; will concede “a draw”
  • Great memory only used for evil (ex. will use your own words against you in an argument, can remember what you were wearing, what tone you used and the look on your face when you said it; selectively forgets own words and actions)
  • Watches entirely too much television
  • Topics I can speak intelligently on: TV shows, movies, comic books, The Yankees (85-current), Knicks (90-current)
  • Knows nothing about cars (including, makes, models or repair)
  • Not in shape
  • Can’t cook
  • Picky eater (don’t eat most fruits and vegetables)
  • Emotionally draining
  • Less tolerant of women’s double speak than a guy who has no idea the hell she is talking about
  • Hypocritical
  • Haven’t been to the doctor in almost 10 years, could be dying
  • When uncomfortable, extremely anti-social
  • Falls asleep anywhere when I’ve had too much to drink
  • Your mother will bring me up well after the relationship has ended
  • Very sardonic, a bit of a hater, sometimes condescending (or so I’ve been told)
  • Sign: Cancer (the sensitive/moody type)
  • Probably on the RIAA/MPAA hitlist
  • I mumble…alot


  • Reads and spends lots of money on comic books/graphic novels; will argue relevance in the world of art and literature to the bitter end.
  • Really good at “Six Degrees of Kevin Bacon”
  • Middle ground in the looks department, not ugly, but not stop in your tracks attractive, takes very deceptively attractive photos if given prep time.

Well, it’s a start…


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