Eye Deal

I always say that I don’t have a list of things I look for in women to decide if they are worthy of killing brain cells over but I know that’s not true.

Everyone subconsciously has a list. If not a list of what they want in a significant other, they definitely know what they DON’T want.

The funny thing about these lists is they tend to be pretty hypocritcal. People will say they want things in a person that they don’t have in themselves. Don’t ask for a rich dude if you are working at McDonald’s. Don’t ask for a six pack when the only six pack you have is the Wise Snacks lunch pack because you couldn’t decide between Dipsy and Cheesy Doodles.

All lists of significant other requirements should be made in context of what you are bringing to the table.

So, I’m going to try to pull my list out of my head and on to the screen and leave myself open to cries of hypocrisy. Also, I’ve always wanted to do my own version of Tank’s 32 Ways To My Heart

Activity Level: You have to like to stay in as much as you like to go. I’m a house plant myself but even I get cabin fever.

Age: Plus or minus five years. The closer the better. It’s nicer if we watched the same cartoons growing up.

Bigotry: Racists and homophobes need not apply.

Body: I find myself attracted to people of all shapes and sizes BUT, I’m not going to bullshit you. I am naturally attracted to fit people. We all are and I don’t imagine I will ever reach the enlightened state where I can automatically ignore their body. But then again I’m not that fit either. Doesn’t mean I’m not attracted to be people who aren’t fit but I’m not going to lie and say that I’m not.

Career: Have a job or be employable. I’m not career-minded. I’m not planning to be CEO of anything. I’m sure that screams of “a lack of ambition.” Whatever. I’m paid pretty okay for a guy with no discernible skills aside from being a “people person.” If she’s out to rule the world, more power to her.

Children: I want them. Shit, I hate taking out the trash and doing the dishes now. You think I want to be doing that shit for the rest of my life? Seriously though, I’m at that age where that needs to be upfront knowledge so if you don’t want kids, any potential relationship gets downgraded to “fooling around.”

Dietary: Carnivores preferred. Non-judgmental vegetarians welcome.

Education: College graduate preferred, college attendee or a successful high school graduate. I went to college and the only thing I got out of it was to put “New York University” on my resume. That said, the reason I prefer college graduates is it’s something we share that we can reminisce about. Sure we can share our high school experience but then there are four years of my life that will be “You had to be there” stories.

Humor: If you don’t make me laugh, the other stuff really won’t matter. If I don’t make you laugh, ditto. I’m not saying I’m Dave Chappelle but if I don’t amuse you, I’m going to find it incredibly frustrating. Laughter is a mental orgasm and saying “That’s funny” instead of actually laughing is the equivalent of “faking it.”

Intelligence: Smart enough to argue with me but not smart enough to know I’m full of shit. This is not at all related to “Education.” I know some pretty dumb Masters degree having fools.

Interests/Tastes: To quote Rob from High Fidelity, “…what really matters is what you like, not what you are like…these things matter, and it’s no good pretending that any relationship has a future if your record collections disagree violently, or your favorite films wouldn’t even speak to each other if they met at a party.” I wish I could say that these things don’t matter to me but nothing compares to talking to a person who loves something that you do.

Kindness: I find myself drawn to ultra-nice girls but that can get annoying since I’m not ultra-nice and I feel like a bad person around them. She can be a “bitch” as long as she means well.

Politics: Republicans need not apply. I’m sorry. I just can’t do it. Unless you are Republican the same way I am Lutheran: raised it but not practicing.

Profanity: She has to curse. She doesn’t have to curse like a sailor but a “fuck” and a “shit” every once and awhile makes me feel better about my own potty mouth.

Race: Open to races but if you aren’t a minority, you have to acknowledge that a) racism exists and b) it will always exist.

Sex: Don’t be lazy or at least allow me to be lazy every once and awhile.

Sports: You don’t have to love sports but you have to be accepting of my love of sports.

Social Life: Have one that doesn’t center around me. I had a tendency to put the person I’m dating at the center of my universe and rotate around her. I’m working on it! But until I get over it, I can’t have someone who’s like me. It’s be like a supernova of social dependency.

Television: This gets a separate mention from “Interests/Tastes.” You don’t have to love television as much as I do but you have to like it. More importantly, you can’t be one of those self-righteous non-television watchers who thinks they are better than everyone else because they don’t get sucked into the idiot box.

EXTRA CREDIT: Bring something into my life that I didn’t know I wanted from another person (or be one of these women)

Not that I’m looking…


4 thoughts on “Eye Deal

  1. lol i was thinking, “i thought this fool wanted to be alone” then i read the last line and remembered you were full of shit. i guess that knocks me out of the running.

  2. I think it’s funny that this list was sorta inspired by Tank who was sorta inspired by me. Except, I totally forgot all about that stuff.

    I kinda think David is my ideal mate on a lot of fronts, but that didn’t work out. He doesn’t even like High Fidelity!

  3. KUDOS for your honesty! (equivalent to a handful of gold stars, in some parts of the country. what the hell is a kudo anyway?)

    I especially agree with the interests/tastes section – If he doesn’t find the humor in Snatch (the movie!), nor the parallels to real-life in High Fidelity, then he may have to cease and desist, lol…


    Kind-hearted Bitch

  4. “Unless you are Republican the same way I am Lutheran: raised it but not practicing.”

    thanks for giving me a way to describe a friend of mine

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