So a little while back, my mother asked my brother and I to buy her a camera for Mother’s Day. Not a digital camera, mind you, but an old school 35mm point and shoot. Do you know that they don’t even really sell those anymore?

Anyway, my father, unbeknownst to me, bought her a camera already. So I called her on Monday and asked what she wanted instead. She said, “I want a new phone”. I’m like okay. What kind of phone do you want. “That iPhone,” she said.

I told her, “No.”

No way am I spending $400 dollars (or $200) on a phone I am 99.8% my mother will never fully understand how to use. Nope. Not gonna happen.

Any time my mother gets anything that has the slightest bit of technology, I get non-stop calls about how to use and 8 times out of 10, it’s something she would have figured out if she read the instructions. I had to come down to Long Island to sort out her DVR. Do you know what would happen if I got her an iPhone? I would have to change my number. I would not wish that on my worst enemy (and I love myself).

She accused me of saying she was dumb and I’m not but I know what she is capable of handling. Shit, she *just* started using e-mail on a semi-regular basis.


She doesn’t even know why she should want an iPhone. She just wants to bring it to church and show off to her church buddies, “Look what my two sons bought me.” (Isn’t that a sin or something?)

The problem is now I can’t buy her anything for Mother’s Day because once my mother has decided she wants something, you can’t buy her anything else. My brother and father have foolishly tried and had their good intentions destroyed by eye rolls and and half-hearted thank yous. I love my mother but she is one of the most unappreciative people I have ever met (and I’ve known her my entire life so I think I’ve had plenty of time to think this through).

I just ordered a bouquet of flowers to get delivered. Yes, I will get one of those eye rolls but I don’t care.

I’m not buying her an iPhone. I don’t care if that make me a bad son.


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