The Lucky Ones

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When we found out Cindy was pregnant, I was thrilled. I think I actually threw my arms in the air before I hugged her. We had suspected for at least a week before she actually took the test. I wasn’t scared (at least not yet).

Being me, of course I hopped on the Internet and read everything I could about the early stages of pregnancy1. I started following the Reddit boards dedicated to such talk, BabyBumps and PreDaddit. I scoured them for hours reading people’s questions, advice, joy and, in some cases, devastation. Occasionally, one of the posters would tell the group that they would be leaving the board because they had a miscarriage. Suddenly, a train of thought left my mental station without delay, “What if that happens to us?”

Aside from general miscarriage statistics, I had no reason to believe that anything would be wrong with the pregnancy. The saner parts of my brain would chime in every once and awhile, “if something happens with this pregnancy, it wasn’t meant to be. Besides knowing you and Cindy could conceive is a relief in and of itself.” Saner Sean was right and I listened to him as much as I could. Unfortunately, just as this new life had been conceived, a new Sean had also been born, Paranoid Sean.

This Sean was terrified that he would wake up in the morning and this amazing dream would be over. Paranoid Sean was loudest in the mornings and right before he fell asleep. Every night, I would pray, “Please God, let this baby be healthy. Let Cindy have a good pregnancy. Please let nothing go wrong. Please let us have this.” I would fall asleep, wake up and repeat the prayer in the morning. You might think I am exaggerating but I swear, I did this every night and every morning. Sometimes, I’d forget to pray specifically for the baby, Cindy or the pregnancy in general at night and I’d pray twice as hard in the morning.

After a few weeks, I decided to condense it. While lying in bed with Cindy in my arms, I would think of all my friends and family who had children recently and say, “Please God, let us be one of the lucky ones.” I say that to myself whenever I see families with children out in the world or I see photos of my friends’ kids on Facebook or Instagram. I’m not one for envying other people and/or their situations but, in this case, I’ll make an exception.

1. One of the first things a friend with children told me after I told we were expecting was, “Stay away from the Internet.” I wish I had talked to her sooner.

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6 thoughts on “The Lucky Ones

  1. You and Cindy are great parents (already!). There’s power in prayer and I’m praying for you all as well. Also praying for you to have peace during this time. God’s on your side, only believe. 🙂 Love you two!

  2. Both times my wife was pregnant, I was told by some family and friends that I wasn’t “happy enough”, that I somehow seemed to hold the joyous occasion at an arm’s distance. And I did, to an extent.

    I was happy, of course, and made sure to augment and bask in my wife’s pregnancy glow as much as possible. Still, the million and one concerns about the pregnancy, much like the one’s you mentioned, kept me from jumping all-in with no inhibitions. Never a downer – more like cautious and mindful of the unknown and unknowable. A psychological defense mechanism, I guess.

    I was very observant of the doctor’s face in the delivery room, looking for sudden curls or concerning twitches in his face. There were none. I counted fingers and toes, face and body parts. All there. After the nurse cleaned and swaddled and we all rolled back to our room, I felt the inhibitions slowly melting away. They were all gone by the time I changed their first diaper. I welcomed their first black poop with open arms.

    I enjoy reading both your blogs. Congrats to the both of you. Cheers!

  3. Awwwwww you two are blessed! I think knowing that you can conceive is the biggest thing. Shake that paranoia. It lingers in the air sir. Replace it with “I’m so happy and can’t wait”. You and Cindy will be perfectly fine.

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